I'm Doing It My Way

The first time I ever heard "My Way" by Frank Sinatra was in Houston at the fantastic laundromat in the old brick building with the high ceilings.

The best thing about this laundromat was that instead of the usual Tejano and/or pop music that played too loudly at other laundromats, a radio station that featured easy listening and big band music was always on. Hence, I heard a lot of Sinatra while I did my laundry in my early 20's.

But back to "My Way." That first time I heard it, much like every subsequent time it's been my pleasure to listen to it, it made me pause and pay attention, it hit me somewhere deep in my chest and made me kind of misty.

If you are somehow unfamiliar with this song (or even if you're not), I insist you take a listen right now: http://youtu.be/egY8rUpxqcE

The performance is outstanding, but the lyrics alone are pretty powerful stuff.

In recent months I've been thinking a lot about the way I do things, the "how," as a good friend put it.

Right now, I don't feel like I can stand up and really say, "I did it my way." I think I've spent a lot of energy in my life focused on how others are perceiving me. I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out the "right" way to do things. I've tried hard to make myself do things the "right" way. I feel mostly this has resulted in me not doing much.

And you know what? I'm done with that.

My way often feels really different from other people's ways. But I get it now, that it's mine. It's what's right for me. And focusing on it might be the most important thing I can do right now.

I've recently been inspired by The Happiness Project and in particular her personal First Commandment to "Be Gretchen." That's really doing it her way.

One of the places I've really gotten bogged down in doing something the "right"way is this blog that I haven't posted to in a year.

I had this notion that this blog needed to have a theme, and I started with the idea of posting about Big Things [tm]. But then I'd feel like I wanted to write about my kids or write a movie review or some other non-Big Thing topic. But that didn't fit in with my original idea, and isn't your blog supposed to have a theme or something?

Well, obviously that resulted in me just posting nothing, so forget it. Forget the supposed to. I'm doing it my way.

So in the future here, I might have more pondering of Big Things, but also look for those kid stories and movie reviews. And you're also likely to see book recommendations, feng shui observations, personal reflections, and ramblings about Jane Austen and Doctor Who. This is my own kind of playground here.

So I'm declaring that I am Emerald, and I'm going to BE Emerald.

And that's what you'll see in this blog.

And just to bring it all around, this whole thing flashed in my mind when "My Way" came up in my ipod recently.

Thanks for the reminder, Frankie.

Anything Is Possible

One time a friend of a friend asked me to sum up my beliefs. He had one very succinct sentence for the core of what he believed about the universe.  It was "Energy changes."  (He was into some kind of chaos magic.)  He was trying to understand my worldview and spiritual beliefs, and so he was wanting me to give him a similar kind of summary.

I was very reluctant to do so, because there's kind of nothing at the core of my beliefs.  What I finally came up with was this:

Anything is possible.

But of course, for this sentence to be true, it must contain the possibility that it's false.

So that's what I said, "I believe anything is possible, but that means it's also possible that I'm wrong."

I still like this statement as an attempt to summarize my beliefs about everything.

(Just as an aside, he did not like this statement, nor have most of the people I have shared it with.)

I do not believe in any kind of objective reality.

Everything humans know about the universe is filtered through our little bodies and minds, which have so much going on in them, it seems to me there is no possibility for objectivity.

If perhaps there is some kind of Divinity with a consciousness, then perhaps it could have an objective view of reality.  But that seems like such a narrow kind of Divinity to me.

I kind of believe that people's beliefs is what makes things true for them.  I don't believe in Truth.  (That is, Capitalized Truth.)  But then that can get pretty complicated.  It's hard to really break it down.

I believe that anything anyone believes has some kind of validity, simply because they believe it.  Now I also believe that we are in a vaguely shared reality on this planet that makes certain beliefs inappropriate, but I absolutely do not think that "reality" is certain or objective.  There's no way to truly say what is so.  I can not absolutely know anything.

I believe this shared reality we are in tends to value love a great deal, something I value as well.  I also value respect and tolerance a whole lot, too.

So whatever you believe, whether you believe in Jesus, Shiva, Diana, God, gods, goddesses, the Tao, Spirit, lifeforce, science, nothing at all, and/or something else entirely, it's all fine with me so long as you strive to be respectful, tolerant, and loving, as well.  

And sometimes I feel sorry for the people who are disrespectful, intolerant, and unloving, that they don't have a place to exist where those things are valued.  I certainly don't think there's anything objectively wrong with those things (because nothing is objectively wrong) but they are anti-social qualities, for the most part.

I think generally we look for objectivity as a way to explain and understand things.  I don't think the universe makes sense.  I don't think it needs to make sense. I take delight in it not making sense.

Now I don't go through my daily life questioning every single thing, in some kind of "Hey nothing is real!" fit.  That's just not really practical.

I do actually have some more specific personal spiritual beliefs, which perhaps I'll attempt to go into in another post, but I say "attempt" because they're not super clear and they can change a lot.

This is all rather difficult for me to write about, because it is slippery and strange.  But I embrace the contradictions and confusion of my own beliefs and of the whole world!  Anything is possible!

Fun and Play for All!

Jago turned 5 on Saturday, and we had a party.

Much like his other birthdays, I invited his class at school, our friends with kids, as well as a fair number of our childless friends.  I invite people that Husband and I are close to, with a special emphasis on people that Jago actually knows.

Now Jago's first two birthdays were packed, and that was before he was even at school, but in both those cases he was kind of one of the first babies in our community baby boom, so I feel like people were still kind of checking out this whole kid thing.

His 3rd and 4th birthdays were almost entirely school friends, which was fine.  He had a great time, and certainly that matters most, though I felt a touch sad to not see more of our friends participating in my family's milestones.

Miela's 1st birthday had about 5 adults and only one kid guest.  And I must admit that did make me sad.  She certainly had a delightful time, but I started really strongly recognizing there's this thing that a lot of people don't seem to get, and here's the point of my post.

It is possible for an event to be fun for kids, fun for parents, and fun for childless adults, all at the same time.

I'm even going to say I think it's WONDERFUL when an event has these qualities.

I feel like a lot of adults make this big separation in their heads between kid stuff and adult stuff.  I feel like there's some notion that for adults to have a fun time there need to be opportunities for intoxication and bawdyness, and I think that's a shame.

Certainly I have enjoyed those adult aspects of parties before, but sometimes when I watch other people I feel like they're engaging in those things more because they're trying to prove that they're adults, rather than because they are genuinely having fun doing them.

One of my favorite things about Flipside and Burning Man is how much there is room for all kinds of fun.  There's plenty of so-called adult fun going on, but you'll often see children running around enjoying the weird just as much.

One of my favorite Burning Man images is from the year we were camped next to the kid village.  At the center of it was a giant trampoline, and every time I looked over there, I'd see kids bouncing up and down in their fairy wings and capes, the same gnarled hair full of playa dust like the adults had, and they were just having the time of their lives at this big place to play.

And see, that's my favorite thing about these Burn events: it gives adults an environment to play in.

One of my favorite Flipside memories is this past year's massive snowball fight on the field.  Or another great one was when the Beer and Darts crew invaded Ish, and it turned into a kind of ridiculous mock battle.

Adults remembering how to play is YES.  I do not think there is enough play in the world.

So back to Jago's party on Saturday.  Completely unexpectedly to me, a ton of our childless friends showed up.  It was a bit overwhelming, but such a delightful surprise.

There were adults gabbing away in the kitchen, adults playing with kids in the living room, and the roving band of miniature superheros battling in the backyard.  Adults talking outside, adults being silly in the dining room, children playing with balls and frisbees with various grownups.  A whole lot of wonderful.

And if you ask me, all of that is real community building.  I think one of the best things about being part of a community is having a place where you feel safe to play.

Certainly having people to call on in times of need or when there's work to be done is an awesome thing.

But mostly I just want my tribe to play with.

Passion and Delight

Why passion and delight?

Those two words carry great meaning for me.  Those concepts are of great significance and importance.

First there was delight.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that delight is my word.  When it finally sunk in was reading Eat, Pray, Love where she talks about different cities having words and then each person having a word, and these words sort of define or sum up the person or city or whatever.  Your word is at your core, in a sense.

Delight is my word, and more than that, it is my purpose.

For my feng shui training long ago, I had to come up with my life's purpose.  In true Emerald style, mine was long and complex.  But it felt like the right thing at the time.

But then later I did some important work with a group of women where we were working on identifying our stories, letting go of what we didn't want, and creating new stories for ourselves.  It was during this work that a new purpose came to me:

I [verb] delight.

The verb can be lots of different things.

I facilitate delight.
I inspire delight.
I share delight.
I spread delight.
I scatter delight.
I cultivate delight.
I find delight.
I give delight.
I embody delight.
I am delight.


Later came the passion epiphany.

I was pondering what is most important to me in the way I live my life, and what I'd want to be known for.

The word passion emerged.

This is the large concept of being passionate.  I strongly value passion for one's work or art or cause or family.  I greatly admire passionate people, those who live passionately.  I have a sense that someone who is living passionately is living a larger life.

For a long time now I feel I've been suppressing a lot of my true passionate nature, because it often makes me feel vulnerable to share it.  I watered it down, calling myself enthusiastic, because that sounds safer and less intense.  But now I understand it's like I've been sanding off the vibrant edge of life.

So now I strive to live both of these words in every moment, or really, to get out of my own way and let them emerge.

I have titled this blog Passion & Delight as a reminder to myself of what matters to me in my heart and soul.

Enlightenment

What is enlightenment exactly?

I've been pondering that question a long time.

Here's some of what I know.

Enlightenment does not mean now everything is perfect and tidy and you are all done.

Enlightenment can happen again and again.  We need reminders.  And, there are always new lessons, or at least new flavors to the old lessons.

I feel like I can finally call myself enlightened, but I know there will still be unenlightened times.

I will still have times when I am impatient and I scream at the children, when I am judgmental and fight with my husband, when I say mean things to myself and eat too much ice cream.  I will still have days where I feel sad, angry, lonely, insecure, anxious, depressed, and just plain bad.

A person who is very physically healthy can still get sick or injured.  But if they have that baseline health and strong immune system, that means they can recover and heal that much more quickly and easily.

That's what I think enlightenment is truly about.  It's having a solid center that you can easily find your way back to.

There will always be new stuff thrown at you to deal with, and everyone goes through natural cycles of equilibrium and disequilibrium.  That's all part of being human.

Getting yourself to a place where that little light of yours always shines somewhere, at least a little bit, enough to guide you back out, that seems like enlightenment to me.